Apart from the obvious of living in the hottest, sunniest place on Earth, I picked the name Sunshine to be a reminder that “when you can’t find the sunshine, be the sunshine”. You never know what somebody else is going through.

Being a mom is the best job on Earth, but it is also the hardest. It is exhausting, stressful, and lonely at times. There is no instruction manual and if you are anything like me, you constantly worry that you aren’t doing a good job.

TW: Miscarriage/PPA/PPD

Two years ago, we had just found out that we were expecting our second baby. He was growing on time and we got to see his beautiful strong heartbeat at our ultrasound. A month later, at 12 weeks, we lost him. I have never felt more broken in my life. A piece of me died when I had my miscarriage and it took a really long time to pick up the pieces.

I became pregnant again, but this time was different. Everything was scary and the joy I had felt with my first two pregnancies wasn’t quite there. Obviously I was over the moon to be having my daughter but fear made me sort of numb. There were moments when I would forget and that genuine excitement would return, but for the most part, I held my breath at every appointment and ultrasound expecting the worst.

I didn’t believe I would actually get to meet her until the day she was born when I could see she was ok and hold her in my arms.

Even after she was born, there was still fear. I was still so afraid I was going to lose her. I checked on her over and over again to make sure she was breathing while she slept. I triple checked she was secure in her carseat and would rather wake her up and move her into her bassinet than let her sleep in her carseat out of the car. I was hesitant to start her on solids because I was afraid she would choke. Bathtime scared me because I was afraid she would swallow water and have secondary drowning.

One friend, very early on, noticed my worrying and expressed her concerns about postpartum anxiety. I brushed it off because I felt like I was thriving. The first few months of being a mom of two had been surprisingly easy and I was enjoying this new stage of motherhood. I have always been an anxious person and just credited my fears to being extra strict about certain safety issues.

It wasn’t until month three when the stressors finally caught up to me. We lost a family pet and a loved one close together while at the same time, our whole family was sick and stuck at home for weeks. It was too much for me.

I began to notice that I wasn’t myself and even though we were no longer sick, I was not necessarily well. I was postponing meet ups with friends and not wanting to leave my house. I rarely got dressed in real clothes and felt “meh” most of the time. People close to me started to notice the shift and continually checked in. Even though I recognized I wasn’t my best self, I think I was afraid to admit I might have postpartum anxiety/depression after all and continued to try to just push through.

My village never stopped trying through. They checked in constantly, made me leave my house for playdates, let me cry and vent when I needed to, held the baby so I could shower, helped me with my toddler, and celebrated me as a mom. They brought me meals and flowers and even cleaned my car. I honestly don’t know what I would have done without them. I can’t really pinpoint a specific moment where I began to feel better but I know that eventually, the old version of me started to make her way back.

I was starting to feel more social again and began looking forward to events instead of dreading them. My level of worry with my kids became less heightened and started to just be normal parent worries. I was feeling happier, more positive, more energetic, and purposeful. This is when Sunshine was born.

My experience with both losing August and struggling after having Riley truly humbled me. I’ve always been a planner and up until that point in my life, most things had gone according to plan. I was always of the mindset that “it wouldn’t happen to me” but then it did, and it cut me to the core. As I built myself back up, I did so with a newfound drive and purpose. I was now part of a community of women that nobody really wants to be a part of but unfortunately is oh so common. Personally, talking with other women who have been through it helped me to cope and heal.

The idea of Sunshine is more than just a play space with good coffee. It is a place to come together and feel safe, loved, and seen, no matter what stage of parenthood you may be in. I created Sunshine with the goal of providing support for parents, from trying to conceive, to birth, and beyond. I want to have support groups for new moms, grieving moms, moms struggling with PPD/PPA, breastfeeding moms, adoptive moms, pregnant moms … and dads too! Whatever support you need, I want to help you and I am sure there are other parents who could use the support too.

I like to say that us moms who are currently in the thick of it are in the trenches. But you don’t have to be in the trenches alone. For the parents who’s days are filled with chaos, who are sleep deprived, drinking cold coffee, forgetting lunch boxes on the counter, leaving washed laundry wet in the washing machine overnight, and constantly running late, I see you. I am you.

And I can’t wait to meet you.

To my village, thank you for being there from the beginning and staying by my side through my worst. I could not be more grateful for you. To those of you searching for your village, I truly hope our space can help you find your tribe. And to anybody who is still reading, always remember to “be the Sunshine”. ☀️💕